Written: May 12, 2017
These past few weeks have been one of the most fearful times of my life. It totally confuses me because in a normal person, it should be a time of celebration.
I am currently 7 weeks pregnant.
We found out at 5 weeks as I have my period on the dot. The second day of my missed period, I took the test.
Our family's biggest ongoing prayer request has come true.
In all honesty, my heart is grateful but my brain contradicts (nega, you might say). I feel that my body is not as strong as before. I feel every wave of nausea and fatigue washing through me and it totally drains me out. With Matteo, I felt nothing after waking and throwing up in the morning. I can walk from Greenbelt to the Ayala MRT with ease. I eat and eat. It has been totally different.
But one of my biggest fears is that the baby wont have a heartbeat. Having known people going through miscarriages, it has been on my mind nonstop. Catching the pregnancy early meant waiting for a couple of weeks before we can have a sonogram to check the baby's heartbeat. It drove me crazy. I kept asking my womb, are you ok in there?
Pretty much divebombing in faith? Sorry Lord.
Last Sunday, we having lunch with some friends and I felt a gush of something. No pain, just something. I checked and found that I discharged fresh blood. I went pale and my brain screamed, "we might have lost the baby". I never felt a wave of fear or sadness like that. As a mother, as a woman, I finally understood what it means.
God understood me and my fragility at that moment. Then He showed me a miracle.
We went to the hospital and had myself checked. No bleeding from the uterus, just from a cervical polyp. The next day, we had a sonogram and found the baby doing well with a thump thumping heart.
In my heart and soul (combined with lots of hormones) I felt a battle in the spiritual world shift, with the Lord marching forth, piercing through fear. Fear crippled me, it raised doubt in me, it made me weak. But the Lord has fought for my family even if I'm too weak to fight for them, I am so grateful to have a Father who lifts me up, who is kind and loving, who is always there.
Grace.
After that, God spoke again in a very interesting devotional.
ANTI WORSHIP
The One Year Worship the King by Chris Tiegreen
Psalm 139:23-24
We are anxious by nature, frequently wondering how things will turn out for us. So what's wrong with being stressed?
Think of what our anxiety says about God. When we harbor, anxious thoughts, we are saying that the One who has promised to take care of our future(Jeremiah 29:11) might not do a good job at it. Our hearts actually slander Him when we dont trust His protection, His strength and His love. We dont mean to; were just anxious. But our anxiety can be awfully offensive.
Imagine a son lying awake at night wondering if his parents are going to feed him tomorrow. We who worship God cannot praise Him through insecurities. Our fears are a form of anti-worship- a clear declaration that our God might not have promised us enough, or might not be able through of what He promised. Yes, He will let us go through hard things, but never outside His timing or beyong His protection. So worship Him. And dont worry about it.
These past few weeks have been one of the most fearful times of my life. It totally confuses me because in a normal person, it should be a time of celebration.
I am currently 7 weeks pregnant.
We found out at 5 weeks as I have my period on the dot. The second day of my missed period, I took the test.
Our family's biggest ongoing prayer request has come true.
In all honesty, my heart is grateful but my brain contradicts (nega, you might say). I feel that my body is not as strong as before. I feel every wave of nausea and fatigue washing through me and it totally drains me out. With Matteo, I felt nothing after waking and throwing up in the morning. I can walk from Greenbelt to the Ayala MRT with ease. I eat and eat. It has been totally different.
But one of my biggest fears is that the baby wont have a heartbeat. Having known people going through miscarriages, it has been on my mind nonstop. Catching the pregnancy early meant waiting for a couple of weeks before we can have a sonogram to check the baby's heartbeat. It drove me crazy. I kept asking my womb, are you ok in there?
Pretty much divebombing in faith? Sorry Lord.
Last Sunday, we having lunch with some friends and I felt a gush of something. No pain, just something. I checked and found that I discharged fresh blood. I went pale and my brain screamed, "we might have lost the baby". I never felt a wave of fear or sadness like that. As a mother, as a woman, I finally understood what it means.
God understood me and my fragility at that moment. Then He showed me a miracle.
We went to the hospital and had myself checked. No bleeding from the uterus, just from a cervical polyp. The next day, we had a sonogram and found the baby doing well with a thump thumping heart.
In my heart and soul (combined with lots of hormones) I felt a battle in the spiritual world shift, with the Lord marching forth, piercing through fear. Fear crippled me, it raised doubt in me, it made me weak. But the Lord has fought for my family even if I'm too weak to fight for them, I am so grateful to have a Father who lifts me up, who is kind and loving, who is always there.
Grace.
After that, God spoke again in a very interesting devotional.
ANTI WORSHIP
The One Year Worship the King by Chris Tiegreen
Psalm 139:23-24
We are anxious by nature, frequently wondering how things will turn out for us. So what's wrong with being stressed?
Think of what our anxiety says about God. When we harbor, anxious thoughts, we are saying that the One who has promised to take care of our future(Jeremiah 29:11) might not do a good job at it. Our hearts actually slander Him when we dont trust His protection, His strength and His love. We dont mean to; were just anxious. But our anxiety can be awfully offensive.
Imagine a son lying awake at night wondering if his parents are going to feed him tomorrow. We who worship God cannot praise Him through insecurities. Our fears are a form of anti-worship- a clear declaration that our God might not have promised us enough, or might not be able through of what He promised. Yes, He will let us go through hard things, but never outside His timing or beyong His protection. So worship Him. And dont worry about it.
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